It's This Kind of Afternoon in the WC!

Poor Checklist Execution

Short video showing a non sterile cockpit and then me missing checklist items due to distractions.

Back Flying! (no 6 week break!!)

I'm over my disappointment from last week. Should of, could of, would of. 

Going to go flying again next week! Lesson learnt? Sterile cockpit! It's quite clear from the video that I was not focused during the taxi out. I was talking with the CFI and had cable issues with the MP3 recorder.

In the mean time, I am heading to Seattle this weekend for another Boeing tour. First time taking my wife and kids. Quite excited about spending an aviation day with them on Fathers Day.

Flying above thin layers in OR

Hello, Harto!

Hannah Hart's travel show (which is a show about people trying to film a travel show more than a travel show) is amazing. The My Drunk Kitchen Web Series star has created something you should not be missing out on. Why? Not only is it funny as hell, but every city this woman and her crew visits to make a funny video also corresponds with a food drive. This youtuber has collected over 70,000 pounds of food for charity and has been involved in every aspect of food in foodbanks across America. Check out her show and see if you can help out at a local event. It kicks off in San Francisco and is currently, I think, in New Orleans? Here's the first city and mini documentary (just 7 minutes long) about what the show is doing to fight hunger.

A Year Since

It's been one year since I left my corporate job.

Every Day!

You know that saying, Do something every day that scares you? Well, when you run a small farm that isn't always a choice as much as a demand. I'm scared of heights but not as much as my livestock is hungry for hay. Since my pasture space is small I need to feed hay all year round, at least to some of the stock. This late in the season/early in the new season hay is scarce. I find myself crawling up into lofts and ancient barn spaces to find it, like a quest from the old storybooks. This is a photo looking down the handmade wall ladder to a second story loft in an old barn in Cambridge. I climbed it in cowboy boots. I didn't look down. It scared the crap out of me!

You Alone Up There?

I was driving down my mountain road when I saw a neighbor out for a walk. I knew her by sight as a local but had never introduced myself to her. She was a retiree, out for a mid-morning stroll and enjoying the daylight I was racing to burn. I pulled over and said hello and explained where I lived and made smalltalk. She was polite, of course. Then she asked a question a lot of folks around here ask me. "Is it just you at that place?" and I nod and smile and say yes it is, and without fail the response is negative. Folks look either overwhelmed -eyes rolling up into their heads, or piteous, or some even get concerned. It's the opposite reaction I get from people online. You guys see Cold Antler as something heroic, a dream come true. Around here people see it as a lot of work, and one person at the wheel. It isn't heroic to them at all. It's lonely.

No one ever means anything offensive by their looks or response and I never take it that way. I think the idea of a small farm is so rooted in family and, well, roots, that a single person homesteading seems incorrect, especially to rural people a few decades older than me. I am asked if I am lonely a lot, or rather told this about myself. "Must be lonely up there, Eh?!" and I make some sort of joke or smile. I usually tell them the truth, that I'm too busy most of the time to be lonely. And I am.

I was thinking about this a lot today. If everyone around here is worried about my singleness, should I be? Does it make me an outcast? Do people in town think I'm odd, or broken, or an object to shake your head at while you take off your cap? I don't know. I do know that a love life isn't a part of who I currently am. I'm far too gun shy and suspicious of men and their motives, a self-inflicted wound that's festered through bad decisions and poor judgement . I am smart about some things but when it comes to men I am a fucking idiot.

So am I lonely? I don't think so. I'm anxious and scared a lot, but not lonely. When I get stressed out it isn't people I turn to - animals or writing is where I crave sanctuary.  I was always that way. If I am lonely it is such a part of me it isn't effecting me or considered. I'm lonely the way I'm 5'3" and have green eyes. I don't spend any time thinking about it - I just am those things. It isn't a sad thing at all, though I guess it may sound that way. I'll put it like this. When I am around couples I do not envy them or think about being in their place with someone I love. It never even crosses my mind. It would be like going on a hike and wondering what I am missing out on by not being a tree. I'm not a tree. I don't take part in tree things or tree business. Those things are for trees.

Damn am I happy the comments aren't live anymore.

If being lonely is any sort of hindrance I don't realize it. It's like a backpack I always carry around and just assume that the extra weight was always there. I'm sure when it gets taken off at some point (and it will) I'll understand how it feels to be instantly lighter. Or maybe this will always be a One Woman Farm? Either way is fine with me. Too much can happen in a week, much less a lifetime, to have any sort of plans or made-up-minds. I am grateful to be authentically alone. I'd rather be here than in a relationship I feel trapped in, which I am terrified of and wouldn't wish on anybody.

I guess the neighborhood will continue to feel bad for me for being alone here, or whatever it is they feel. Honestly, it's none of my business what other people think about me. That is their work, not mine. I do know anyone who thinks this much about a three-second response from a neighbor probably isn't in the headspace for dinner and a movie. She's probably in the headspace for a long jog and a bourbon. In that order.